Top 10 Signs Of A Dying Relationship – When It’s Time to Let Go
Letting go isn’t giving up—it’s choosing yourself. Here’s how to tell when it’s time.
A failing relationship often shows signs of dwindling intimacy, communication breakdowns, and a lack of shared goals or positive regard for each other. Other indicators include frequent arguments, growing resentment, and a decrease in physical affection.
Why do we all find letting go so hard, even when we know deep down that something is off and this may not be the right relationship for us? I’ve recently been invested in a 3 year relationship, embracing the ups and downs disguised as “well no relationship is perfect and we all need to evolve, relationships are about lessons and growth”. In reality I’ve been in a sinking ship and blind sided by my desire to find love, to see the best side and possibility of someone and be in a loving, warm, stable relationship.
If there is one fundamental truth I would cling to moving forward like my life and happiness depended on it it would be……
“If you can’t accept someone right now, in this moment, as they are, with the relationship dynamic you currently have then let go”
We can all fall into the trap of ‘but it will get better as the relationship and connection grows, they will eventually tune into my needs and invest the same time and energy as I do”, but you can’t overlook someones core nature and way of being, it’s not fair on them and it’s not fair on you. People often don’t change, so when they tell you or more importantly show you who they are, believe them!
This often all ends with unmet needs, resentment and unhappiness. We avoid making the final decision to let go for various reasons, these questions really helped and supported me through the process……
- What are the payoffs in holding back on this decision?
- What does it allow you to avoid?
- What does it cost you now and in the future?
- Are you willing to live with the consequence of that?
This is from a fantastic book by Dr Julie Smith called Open When, for now let’s get into the 10 signs of a dying relationship.
10 Signs Of A Dying Relationship
1. Communication Breakdown:
Conversations become forced, infrequent, or non-existent. The silence is deafening, and there’s a lack of genuine sharing of thoughts and feelings. There’s a level of discomfort in each others company and the energy feels strained and out of alignment. No-body knows what to say and the compound effect of unresolved disagreements and hurts fills the air.
2. Declining Affection:
Physical touch, intimacy, and expressions of love and care diminish or disappear altogether. Sex is almost non existent or not there at all and the desire to reach out and be close to your partner is replaced with cold distance and disconnection.
3. Emotional Distance:
You feel more alone in the relationship than outside of it, lacking emotional support and connection. There is little interest or genuine care about what’s going on in your world, they seem very wrapped up in their own world, thoughts and feelings.
4. Future Planning Avoidance:
Discussing the future, like marriage, moving in together, or making joint plans, becomes uncomfortable or is avoided. When the conversation is bought up it’s tense, it doesn’t flow and there is little if any excitement about building a life together or moving forward. There may even be comments like “I’m happy where I’m at right now, I feel settled, I like things the way they are”.
5. Reduced Shared Activities:
You spend less time together, and the time you do spend feels more like an obligation than a pleasure. All the things you once shared and all the plans you used to love making have disappeared. All of a sudden “me time” and hobbies become more important when the weekend approaches and no firm plans are made to spend some quality time together. When shared activities do happen there feels little joy and connection.
6. No More “Go-To” Person:
Your partner is no longer the first person you turn to for sharing news, thoughts, or important moments. When you now have a problem or some exciting news to share they are no longer the person you want to pick up the phone too, there is a hesitancy.
7. Conflict Avoidance:
You stop arguing or having disagreements, which might indicate a lack of investment in the relationship or a feeling of hopelessness about resolving issues. Every time you attempt to approach resolving anything you feel like your spinning the wheels and nothing is cutting through. There is a me vs them attitude and more interest in winning/being right than there is of building bridges and filling the gaps to reconnect. There may even be a deep sense of hopelessness and despair which in turn leads to giving up and emotionally disconnecting.
8. Lack of Effort:
One or both partners stop putting in effort to maintain the relationship, suggesting a lack of investment or interest. One partner may try harder to resolve the situation and brings much more hope and value whilst the other partner stays silent and disengaged. There is an unwillingness to listen, try new approaches or bring anything to the table that may help. It feels like your partner has already taken themselves off the field and benched the situation but still can’t let go.
9. Fantasizing About Being Single:
The idea of being single feels more appealing than staying in the relationship, suggesting dissatisfaction and a desire for change. Freedom now feels more important than being in the relationship and one partner may even fantasize about seeing other people or being in a relationship that fulfils their needs and makes them happy again.
10. Loss of Trust:
Trust erodes, even without a specific incident, indicating a fundamental problem in the relationship. This isn’t just the basic trust of your partner seeing someone else, it’s the lack of trust in your partner to have your back, be your person, be a team player and show up for you. It’s the lack of emotional safety you feel around your future and the bond you share, you constantly feel on shakey ground.
Reflection & Gaining Clarity
Deciding whether to let go of a relationship is deeply personal and often painful. The goal of reflective questions is to guide you toward clarity, not force a decision. Here are some thoughtful, emotionally grounded questions you can ask yourself:
Clarity About the Relationship
- Am I staying because I’m afraid of being alone or because I truly want to be with this person?
- If nothing changed in this relationship, could I be happy long-term?
- Do I feel emotionally safe and accepted as I am?
- Do I like who I am in this relationship?
- Is this relationship helping me grow, or keeping me stuck?
Evaluating Love and Connection
- Do I still love this person, or do I love who they used to be (or who I hoped they’d become)?
- When I picture the future, is this person in it—and do I feel peace or dread imagining that?
- Do I miss them specifically—or just the feeling of being in a relationship?
Self-Respect and Needs
- Are my needs consistently unmet—and have I clearly expressed them?
- Have I lost parts of myself in trying to keep this relationship alive?
Patterns and Effort
- Is the pain in this relationship part of a pattern that keeps repeating?
- Have we both honestly tried to fix what’s broken—or am I the only one doing the work?
Making a Values-Based Decision
- What values matter most to me in love and partnership—and does this relationship reflect them?
- What would I tell my best friend to do if they were in my situation?
- If fear, guilt, or comfort weren’t factors—what would I choose?
Final thoughts:
It may take time to come to any final conclusion and we all have our own pace and processing speeds, decisions are often layered with deep patterns which can delay and confuse us.
It feels so hard and painful to face what we don’t want to face, deep down I do believe we know what’s right for us but past experiences and conditioning can hold us back. We turn a blind eye for the sake of not feeling alone, unloved and yet again single. But the longer you wait to let go and close that door, the further away you are from being in the relationship you do deserve. Nothing is perfect for sure and maybe there isn’t the fairytale “the one” out there for you, but there will be someone you can grow and heal WITH as a team and loving partnership.
There is a huge difference between a realtionship being hard work vs a healthy challenge. If you feel expansive and excited with an edge of discomfort then it’s more than likely growth. However if you feel contracted and heavy like you’re climbing up a never ending mountain then that’s probably just too much hard work and a case of incompatibility.
For full disclosure it’s taken me 2 years to end a partnership, someone I still love and think the world of. That makes it even harder when there is still respect, love and compassion for someone, the lines become very blurry.
This is when the above questions will really help, you have to dig deep, you have to know what matters most to you and you have to CHOOSE YOU first and foremost. It’s also an amazing opportunity to really look into your relationship patterns and how you choose love and the dynamics you feel most comfortable with from childhood. If you grew up in chaos, fighting and confusion it’s very likely that that is what love looks and feels like to you. I will make some recommendations below on how I have done that which has truly changed my life.
My hope for you is that you find the courage to let go if it’s the right thing for you to do and know that you are not alone, there is hope and you have your back, you’ve got this! The best relationship you’ve ever had is round the corner!
Taking a look at How To Love Myself After A Breakup may also support you.
Handpicked Support for Your Midlife Journey:
Some of the links below may be affiliate links in the future. I only ever recommend products and resources I truly believe in.
🎥 Helpful Videos to Deepen Your Understanding
📝 Journal Prompts & Reflection Ideas
A huge part of my healing journey was with an amazing woman and coach called Katherine Woodward Thomas, you may have heard about her “Conscious Uncoupling” programme that Gwyneth Paltrow raved about. For anyone going through a separation or divorce she will provide invaluable support and tools that will catapult you to a new found level of growth, compassion and love.
