I’ve noticed a pattern lately — the urge to spend money even before my commission hits my account. I’ve always had a bit of a push-and-pull relationship with money, living in a feast-or-famine cycle that swings from stress and worry to pure relief when the money arrives. While that’s part of life in sales, I know it’s ultimately my responsibility to manage my finances well, no matter how unpredictable my income feels.
Putting my £1,800 new sofa bed on my Nationwide credit card — three weeks before my sales commission arrived — made me pause and dig into the root causes behind the impulse, and the feelings that came with that “rush” of spending.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why you spend to fill an emotional gap — especially in midlife — here’s what’s really going on.
Emotional over spending after 40 often stems from deep-rooted beliefs about worth and scarcity. As we navigate midlife changes — career shifts, aging, relationships — we may subconsciously use money to soothe discomfort or prove value. But true healing comes from addressing the emotional root: the feeling of “not enough.” By cultivating self-worth, redefining what fulfillment looks like, and creating mindful money habits, we begin to rebuild a sense of inner security that no purchase can replace.
When ‘Not Enough’ Becomes a Way of Life
Somewhere along the way, many of us absorbed the idea that if we just had a little more — a better home, a nicer wardrobe, a younger body, a more attentive partner — we’d finally feel whole and at peace. But that feeling of not enough doesn’t come from a lack of possessions; it comes from a deep emotional gap that spending will never fill.
With consumerism at it’s peak we live in a world that is constantly promising fulfilment with one product or another…..the perfect anti-aging cream, the perfume that will attract the man of your dreams, the car that will offer you freedom and status. I know this better than most after spending years in advertising sales, and understanding the psychology behind getting cosumers trapped in the promise of a “better you”, in whatever shape or form that may take.
We are culturally programmed every single day to spend money, so the first step is becoming aware of that and being kind to ourselves, this is years of subliminal programming we are trying to undo.
The Early Programming
The roots of “not enough” often go back decades.
We were raised in environments that rewarded achievement, appearance, and performance over emotional expression or authenticity. Maybe you learned that love had to be earned, that approval came when you excelled, that stillness equalled laziness, and self-worth was conditional.
Over time, that conditioning hardens into a belief system that whispers:
“If I’m not achieving, improving, or consuming, I’m falling behind.”
It’s not vanity — it’s survival. Buying becomes a way of reassuring ourselves that we’re still relevant, still desirable, still “in the game”.
My core childhood programming left me with the beliefs that “I have to earn love”, “I have to achieve and win to gain recognition”, “I’m not loveable” (because my parents were at war with each other, there just wasn’t any space for me to express myself authentically and feel seen, heard and validated).
What’s come to light recently and connected the dots for me is that the “not enough” feeling doesn’t just appear in romantic relationships where it lurks under the surface, presenting itself as “anxious attachment”. The feeling of not enough is a deep seated script that runs through my whole life….including how, what and when I spend money.
The Psychology of Overspending
So, as we are starting to discover, overspending is rarely about money — it’s about emotional regulation.
Here are some reasons as to why we might over spend and the gaps we are trying to fill:
- Emotional avoidance — using spending to numb sadness, stress, or loneliness. After a recent breakup I can appreciate that the feeling of starting over can leave a sense of urgency to “change” everything and mask the pain and sadness.
- Identity & self-worth — buying to project confidence, success, or control. If our life feels unmanageble then the one thing we can control is how and what we spend money on.
- Scarcity mindset — fear that opportunities (time, youth, love) are running out. This is a huge one for midlife women, one that I relate to with every bone in my body. It also comes from childhood programming and the background scripts we are running about money. In my single parent home there was “never enough” money.
- Comparison & social pressure — the “highlight reel” effect of social media and peer groups. You only have to take a look at Instagram and TikTok to find out that someone is doing “better” than you….they are more beautiful, have a designer home, live in financial freedom and their dream life with their dream partner. Honestly, how much of this is authentic?
- Reward and dopamine cycles — how the brain’s pleasure system keeps us hooked on the “high” of purchasing.
“The brain gets a hit of dopamine when we buy something new — but it’s fleeting. Once that rush fades, the void feels even bigger, and the impulse to spend returns. It’s not indulgence — it’s chemistry.”
The scarcity mindset makes us grab, upgrade, and overextend, believing that satisfaction is somewhere out there in the next purchase, next milestone, next version of ourselves.
But scarcity is a trick of the nervous system. When we slow down, breathe, and ground ourselves in gratitude, we discover that enoughness isn’t out there — it’s a practice we build from within.
The Culture of Comparison
As mentioned above we live in a culture that monetises insecurity.
Every scroll, advert, and influencer post reminds us of what we should want — and what we don’t yet have.
Social media has replaced connection with comparison; instead of asking, “What do I need?”, we ask, “What are they doing that I’m not?”
This keeps us in a loop of external validation — using material things as proof that we’re okay, successful, or still desirable.
The tragedy is that it disconnects us from our true needs: rest, authenticity, creative fulfilment, love.
No handbag or home décor update can substitute for belonging or meaning.
The Emotional Understudy
Often, overspending is just a symptom of deeper unmet emotional needs — the ones we were never taught to tend to directly.
Here are some of the most common emotional roots hiding behind the urge to spend:
| Emotional Need | How It Shows Up in Spending |
|---|---|
| Love & Connection | Buying gifts or experiences for others to feel closer or appreciated |
| Safety & Control | Stockpiling or overspending on comforts to feel secure or prepared |
| Freedom & Escape | Impulsive travel bookings or “treat yourself” sprees to escape routine |
| Recognition & Worth | Designer purchases or visible upgrades to project success |
| Joy & Aliveness | Buying experiences or novelty when life feels dull or stagnant |
The truth is, we’re not chasing the item — we’re chasing a feeling.
And the moment we realise that, we can start giving ourselves that feeling directly, without the financial hangover.
I genuinely needed a new sofa bed, it had served me for over 20 years. BUT, I can also recognise that it also represents success, comfort, feeling safe in my home, a validation that I’m enough and a fresh start after my breakup. It also sent me on a bit of a spending frenzy, replacing and upgrading everything I felt wasn’t enough, this is much deeper than simply needing a new sofa bed.
My goal this year was to save as much as I could with my commission, but clearly I haven’t prioritized it enough or build a strong enough identity of being a saver. Instead of using money as a tool for financial security and freedom, I am using it to fill the gaps, saving doesn’t give me the “buzz” spending does. Can you relate?
From Not Enough → Worthy Now
The real antidote to overspending isn’t restriction — it’s reconnection.
Reconnection to self, to our values, to what truly lights us up.
“Enough” isn’t a destination; it’s a decision to stop waiting for permission to feel content.
When we start seeing money as a mirror rather than a measure of our worth, everything changes. We spend more intentionally, not out of lack but alignment. We buy what enhances our lives, not what disguises our pain.
This post Midlife Money Transformation may support you in delving deeper into your money stories and beliefs.
The work isn’t about becoming “better with money”; it’s about learning that you were always enough — even before the purchase, the success, or the applause.
Building Enoughness as a Practice
Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, pioneer of self-compassion research, found that people who practice self-kindness and acceptance (rather than perfectionism or comparison) experience:
- Lower levels of anxiety and shame
- Better emotional regulation
- More consistent financial and relationship stability
Her core message:
“You are worthy, not because of what you’ve achieved, but because you exist.”
This is the foundation for changing spending habits, healing self-worth wounds, and redefining success in midlife.
Link: Kristen Neff on self compassion
From “Not Enough” to Healing: First Steps Toward Financial Peace
If emotional over spending has been your coping mechanism, healing doesn’t happen overnight — but it does happen. It begins with awareness and small, compassionate actions that rebuild your sense of inner security.
Here are a few powerful starting points:
1. Name the feeling before the purchase.
Pause and ask, “What am I really trying to buy right now — comfort, validation, escape, or joy?” Naming it breaks the autopilot cycle.
2. Track your triggers, not just your transactions.
Notice when and where your urges hit — after work, when you feel lonely, when comparing yourself online. Emotional spending often hides patterns that can be gently rewired.
3. Redefine ‘enough.’
Write down three sentences that begin with: “Even if nothing changed, I’d still be enough because…” This practice reframes your worth as internal, not situational.
4. Create ‘pause space.’
Before you click “buy,” step away for 24 hours. Emotional waves pass — and so will most impulse urges.
5. Build a self-soothing list.
List five free or low-cost ways to comfort yourself — a walk, a call to a friend, journaling, or your favorite playlist. These are your new go-to’s when emotions rise.
This post may also help…..“I am struggling financially what can I do?”
Ready to go deeper?
Download my free guide:
“The Enough Reset: A 7-Day Healing Workbook to Transform Emotional Spending into Self-Worth.”
It’s designed to help you:
- Understand your emotional money patterns.
- Reconnect with your inner sense of “enoughness.”
- Create mindful money habits that last.
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🎥 Helpful Videos to Deepen Your Understanding
📚 Books I Love for This Topic
Think & Grow Rich by Napolion Hill
You Are A Badass At Making Money by Jen Sincero
The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy
I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi
