How to love myself after a breakup

How to Love Myself After a Breakup: A Guide to Healing and Self-Rediscovery

Breakups can feel like the end of the world, leaving you questioning your worth, your choices, and your future. It’s a journey many of us face, but one that also holds the potential for profound personal growth. Learning how to love myself after a breakup isn’t just about moving on—it’s about reconnecting with the most important relationship you’ll ever have: the one with yourself. In this post, we’ll explore powerful steps to rebuild your confidence, embrace your individuality, and nurture your emotional well-being. Because even in the heartbreak, there’s an opportunity to rediscover the incredible person you are.

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child and you learn
to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure you really are strong you really do have worth and you learn and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

Jorge Luis Borges

True Self – Love

I discovered that true self-love is not an emotion, but a steadfast devotion to realizing one’s potential. A fidelity to the promise of a bright and brilliant future that looks nothing like the wreckage of your past, and a willingness to generate this possibility, over and over again, no matter what. It’s dedication to becoming resilient and unstoppable in the direction of your dreams. It’s the tireless effort to create a sense of safety, well-being, and happiness in your life. In other words it’s everything one might ever hope to see from a soul mate who would do anything and everything to make sure your life is beautiful. 

Learn what committed love looks like with a partner by first looking at committing to yourself. Because in the context of a lifelong partnership, love is not an emotion. Love is a course. An utterly steadfast path that deviates not in the face of hardship or challenge. 

Source: Calling In the One – Katherine Woodward Thomas

So what does all this mean on a day to day level, how can we learn to apply self-love so it can really help you to feel better and take you out of the depths of despair? Let’s take a look……

How to really love yourself – where do you even start?

How often have you heard that you need to “love yourself more” but have no idea where to start, or even what that means on a real and authentic level? Have you googled it or gone onto YouTube only to find “set boundaries”, “practice positive self talk”, “get enough sleep” and “practice gratitude”? All of these solutions in and of themselves have some great value and truth in them and can momentarily lift your spirits.

However, if like myself, you had or are dealing with some deeply ingrained relational patterns which lead you to some questionable partnership choices, leaving you drained and depleted, they just can’t touch the surface when it comes to making some transformational shifts in love. 

We all have our own flavor of story to tell, whether that’s infidelity, abandonment, conflict, divorce, mental health challenges, financial incompatibility, all of it feels very real when we are in the midst of these painful and confusing experiences. Take a look at Midlife Divorces Are Mostly the Result of.…post.

Unfortunately for many of us the path to finding true love has been long and complex, you may find yourself yet again single in your 40’s or 50’s. This can bring about a huge sense of sadness, isolation and failure as we see all of our friends partnered off or happily married. So often we find ourselves asking Why Me? What’s keeping me so stuck in this area of my life? 

Love and finding my life partner has always been a priority for me, coming from a broken home and a war zone growing up, there has always been a part of me wanting and needing to re-write the story and create a beautiful, peaceful and loving home and family for myself. On some deep level I’ve needed to prove that “I will never end up like them”, I will do better, I will show them what true love really looks like! We all know where that story inevitably ends……..recreating that same old familiar environment of discord and conflict, choosing “unavailable” partners to support the narrative that I’m really “not loveable” and “not worthy” of the great love I desire and seek. 

I have been on a lifelong search to come home to truly loving myself, following multiple breakups as the catalyst to gain a deeper level of understanding and commitment to being “the one” for myself first and foremost. I will be doing a series of posts to cover this vast subject as there have been many lessons, courses, books and personal journeys and revelations, too much to relay in one short article. 

Let’s for now as a starting point look to answer “how to love myself after a breakup” and some of the tools and strategies that have supported me through these challenging times. 

Taking full responsibility for my life.

That may sound strange coming from a grown woman in her 50’s, you may be thinking “haven’t you already done that at your age”?

In each of us is a beautiful and often wounded inner child and she loves running the show! When you begin to unpeel the layers and look at your relationship choices and behaviours, it starts to become clear that you weren’t always in the driving seat. Remember back to when you felt “triggered” and went into a complete tail spin, feeling as though you had no control over your emotions? These moments reveal our hidden wounds and where healing needs to take place. 

As soon as I realized that no-body was coming to save me, that I was the biggest resource and strength I would ever find and that it was all inside of me, a light bulb went off. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a journey, it’s a re-parenting of your wounded inner parts, all the parts you gave away to your relationship. 

So, look at all the really simple things that make up you and your life today. Your job, your finances, maybe you have children/family, your health and all of the other parts. One by one start to look at these areas and ask yourself “how can I be more accountable for these parts of my life and show up better”? It may be that your ex took control of the finances and you have no idea what shape they are in or how much disposable income you have each month. Start learning about budgeting, create a spreadsheet of all your incoming and outgoing expenses and create a spending plan each month. I love Starling bank and have created spending pots for each category such as Groceries, Health & Beauty and Nights Out and I stick to that each month.

This may sound simple but taking control of your life and taking care of some of the most fundamental parts of it that make it work builds self trust and confidence. This in turn builds a relationship with yourself that makes you feel like “I’ve got me, I’m ok”. When you feel like this being single starts to feel empowering, remember that if a relationship didn’t work there’s a reason for that, don’t romanticize all the parts you miss, start to see it for what it really was.

Reclaim all the parts of you that you gave away and day by day your self confidence will blossom and build an unshakeable self-love and belief in yourself.  Along my journey I discovered Dr Margaret Paul who is an expert and leader in self-esteem and self-love, link below.

Inner bonding link – Margaret   

Breathwork & Yoga

During the worst of my breakups the most difficult part to manage was waking up with horrendous anxiety, almost a panic attack. If you have ever experienced these you will know how awful and debilitating they are. Cortisol, often referred to as the “stress hormone,” naturally peaks in the morning as part of the body’s wake-up mechanism. For some people, especially those predisposed to anxiety, this spike can feel overwhelming and lead to heightened anxious feelings. 

Tips to Manage Morning Anxiety

1. Establish a Morning Routine:
   • Immediately get out of bed and MOVE your body, let the energy release itself. I do morning calming Yoga with Adrienne. You can also follow her on You Tube, she has lots of free videos to follow.
   • After moving your body, even if it’s a gentle stretching routine, MEDITATE. I love Tony Robbins as it incorporates gratitude, visioning your future and kindness, I have included this below.
2. Eat a Balanced Breakfast:
   • Include protein and complex carbohydrates to stabilize blood sugar levels.
   • Avoid skipping meals, which can worsen anxiety.
3. Limit Caffeine Intake:
   • Delay caffeine consumption until after you’ve eaten something, or reduce your overall intake. This is a massive cause of anxiety, especially if you are in perimenopause or menopause.  
4. Practice Relaxation Techniques:
   • Use mindfulness or guided meditations and plant positive thoughts, you could maybe put your headphones on whilst having breakfast. I will link some ones for free below that I listen to on You Tube. 
5. Breathwork:
   • A truly powerful tool to support you in releasing stored emotions, but take care, it’s intense! Take your time and get into it slowly and be really kind and gentle with yourself. I attended free sessions which were phenomenal with  https://alchemyofbreath.com/free-breathwork-sessions/. 

6. Consider Professional Help:
   • If morning anxiety persists, or it all just gets too much then consider reaching out for help, sometimes we can’t do it all on our own and that’s ok. 
   • Medications or supplements may also help, but these should be discussed with a healthcare provider. I had a year on anti-depressants and it did help calm my nervous system down, this was during Covid so horrendous times. Would I take them again, probably not but occasionally we just need to balance everything out. 

Handpicked Support for Your Midlife Journey:

Some of the links below may be affiliate links in the future. I only ever recommend products and resources I truly believe in.

🎥 Helpful Videos to Deepen Your Understanding

Great sleep meditation, I just put non – bluetooth headphones in every night and whilst falling to sleep allow all these lovely messages to sink in. Theta brainwaves are prominent in early sleep stages (light sleep) and during deep relaxation. This is when the subconscious mind is highly impressionable.

I listen to Tony every morning before I start my day, it really sets me up. Keeping your mind and vibration high during a breakup allows you to gain perspective and take care of your mental health.

Conclusion: If my future self could have told me…

1. When someone tells you who they are believe them, don’t try to make them fit into your ideal fantasy. 
2. Actions speak louder than words, you know someone’s priorities and commitments by where they spend their time. If your not part of that walk away and find someone who values your time and investment in them. 
3. Heartbreak is part of life, it makes you stronger and more resilient, don’t lose faith. 
4. Be brutally honest with yourself on what your no compromise needs and wants are in a relationship, honour those like your life depends on it. If someone can’t give you the basics to make you feel happy then their not the right person for you. List your top 5 for your next relationship.  
5. No matter how hard it feels right now, you have never really lost anyone who wasn’t yours in the first place, know your time and person is coming. 
6. The most valuable, loving and committed relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Everything else will then reflect that back to you and you will meet your equal. 
7. Always stay in your lane, don’t focus on another’s journey and growth, what they have, are or aren’t doing is their business and karma. Stay true to your own values and growth and tune inside yourself, only then will things begin to change. 
8. Reflect, learn and breathe, own your side of the break up and use it as a gift to move forward so you can make better choices and be a better, wiser version of yourself.