Midlife divorces: When ‘Forever’ Ends: Why Women Are Choosing Themselves in Midlife Divorce
Why More Women Are Choosing Freedom Over Unfulfilling Marriages
Divorce in midlife is becoming increasingly common, with many women choosing to leave long-term marriages in their 40s, 50s, and beyond. Often referred to as “gray divorce,” this shift isn’t just about falling out of love—it’s about reclaiming independence, seeking fulfillment, and prioritizing happiness. After years of caregiving, career-building, and compromising, many women reach a turning point where they reevaluate their needs, desires, and personal growth.
Whether driven by emotional disconnect, financial independence, or simply the realization that life is too short to stay unfulfilled, midlife divorce is a bold step toward a new beginning. But why does it happen so often at this stage? Let’s dive into the key reasons behind this growing trend.
Midlife Divorces Are Mostly The Result Of….
Let’s face it, it’s one of the most heartbreaking and life changing decisions you will ever make. It sets into motion a cascade of events, changes, emotions, self realizations and gut wrenching fears as you take the steps to becoming single and untangling yourself from what you thought was a lifelong journey and partnership. I will share more of my story later but for now let’s take a look what midlife divorces are mostly the result of……
1. Emotional Disconnect & Growing Apart
After decades together, many couples realize they have evolved in different directions. What once bonded them—raising children, shared goals, or youthful passion—may no longer be enough to sustain the relationship. Women often find themselves yearning for deeper emotional connection, personal fulfillment, or a fresh start.
2. Empty Nest Syndrome
For many women, raising children was a central focus of their marriage. When kids leave home, the dynamic shifts, and some women recognize that without parenting as a shared purpose, there’s little holding the relationship together. This empty nest phase can bring clarity about dissatisfaction that was previously ignored.
3. Financial Independence
More women today have careers and financial stability, giving them the freedom to leave an unhappy marriage without the fear of financial ruin. Whether through their own earnings, inheritance, or strategic planning, financial independence allows women to prioritize their well-being over economic security. I’ve had experience of this in my own family where family members have stayed because of the security it provides, leading to a deep sense of unhappiness and lack of fulfilment.
4. Desire for Personal Growth & Reinvention
Midlife is often a time of self-discovery. Many women, after years of prioritizing others—spouses, children, employers—start asking, What about me? This awakening can lead to a realization that the marriage is no longer serving their personal evolution. We all live in 7 year cycles and sustaining a long-term marriage requires a steadfast commitment to embracing change, a deep acceptance of each other and a strong desire to see each other grow and blossom into the best version of ourselves. It takes a secure couple to embark on a new phase of reinvention and growth without one partner feeling left behind.
5. Infidelity or Betrayal
While cheating isn’t exclusive to midlife, some women choose to end their marriage after discovering a long-term pattern of infidelity, emotional neglect, or dishonesty. Others may find themselves tempted by an affair, signaling that their needs aren’t being met in the marriage. I’ve been on both sides and it’s deeply hurtful. Marriage requires bravery and commitment to consistent communication and health checks on where the partnership is at. Teamwork is critical and the happiest and most fulfilled couples are best friends and share the load and often grind of daily living.
When either partner goes underground and hides their true feelings and lack of fulfilment it feels much easier to seek happiness elsewhere, rather than do the deep work it requires to get the marriage back on track, face your demons and do the inner healing that needs to take place.
6. Changing Views on Marriage & Happiness
Cultural shifts have made it more acceptable to leave an unfulfilling marriage. Women today are less likely to stay in relationships solely for appearances or social expectations. Happiness and personal fulfillment are now seen as valid reasons for divorce. It’s actually celebrated now for women to find empowerment and take charge of their own happiness and well being, we have come so far!
7. Midlife Crisis – But for Women
The stereotypical “midlife crisis” isn’t just for men. Women experience it too, but often in different ways. Instead of buying a sports car, they may seek adventure, new experiences, or a fresh start—sometimes realizing their marriage is holding them back. Women in midlife tend to awaken spiritually and enter a phase of renewal, self reflection and confidence that they may not have had had in younger years.
Hormonal shifts also drive us to make positive changes in our lives which often involves a complete overhaul! We wake up to the fact that we have this one and only precious life and we want to experience ALL if it!
8. Toxic or Controlling Relationships
Some women endure years of emotional or verbal abuse, manipulation, or controlling behavior. Midlife can be the moment they finally say, Enough is enough, and reclaim their autonomy. There is a lot more awareness and support now for women feeling trapped in abusive situations and emotional abuse is just as real as physical abuse, it can have a significant impact on your confidence and mental health. If you do find yourself in an unsafe environment please reach out to your local support groups.
9. Health & Mortality Awareness
Aging and health concerns often bring a new perspective on life’s brevity. Some women realize they don’t want to spend their remaining decades in an unfulfilling relationship, prompting them to make a change while they still have time to enjoy life.
10. New Love & Second Chances
Some women meet someone new—whether unexpectedly or after years of dissatisfaction—and realize they want a different kind of love. After all the responsibilities of caring for a spouse and family there is space to breathe, think and reassess your needs and priorities, leaving room to explore your deeper needs and requirements in a relationship. Others simply believe they’d rather be alone than stay in an unfulfilling marriage.
My story: The Shadow Of Mental Illness
After being married for 8 years one morning I woke up to a very different partner, it was like something had left their soul and someone else had taken their place. There had been some very odd behaviours since we moved back to the UK (they were Brazilian and we were living in Brazil for 3 and a half years previously), but I just put that down to cultural differences, character and the stress of the move.
It became apparent very quickly that it was much more than that, overnight I had lost my partner, my best friend and my marriage. Things got progressively worse and life started to become unmanageable, there were periods of intense highs with extreme erratic behaviours and then intense lows where they wouldn’t get out of bed for days. Life as I knew it was over and the fear and dread I felt was overwhelming and heart breaking, for both of us.
Eventually we had to involve local mental health services and they were diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, I was devastated. I take marriage very seriously, especially coming from a broken home and divorced parents myself, that was the last thing I wanted. My role changed from being a wife to a carer and for the next 2 years life was like a rollercoaster, I was constantly on high alert, my family had to come to visit to support me and I was doing everything I could to stabilize the situation and get our life back on track.
Sadly I never realized how serious the condition was and no matter how hard I tried and wanted my marriage to work, it was crumbling beneath my feet. My own health and wellbeing was taking a serious hit and I had lost 2 stone, my family were watching on with deep concern but I was determined to stick to my vows, “in sickness and in health”, that’s what we’re meant to do right?
Eventually my partner made the decision for me as even in the depths of her illness and despair, deep down she knew it was destroying me. It felt like complete betrayal at the time, she had planned to go back to Brazil behind my back, even securing a job without me knowing! One day she revealed to me that she was leaving in a month and she had set up a new life back home in Brazil, and she wanted me to go with her.
I have only described a tiny portion of my story above, there were some horrific times with events and situations that honestly looking back I don’t know how I coped, I lived in constant crisis mode. It deeply impacted on my own mental health and traumatised me for years to come. Thankfully I had a great support network of amazing friends and family and a history of personal development that became my anchor to get back on my feet, but it took years out my life.
We don’t often discuss mental illness in marriages as there is a sense of shame and stigma attached to it, along with a desire to protect and love your partner. But, the sad reality is mental health over the last decade has taken a serious nose dive, here’s some of the stats…..
- 1 in 4 people (25%) will experience a mental health disorder at some point in their lifetime.
- 1 in 8 people (12.5%) live with a mental disorder at any given time.
- Depression and anxiety are the most prevalent conditions, affecting hundreds of millions worldwide.
- Suicide is a leading cause of death, with over 700,000 deaths annually, making it a major global health concern.
Final Thoughts
Whatever the reason and cause for your midlife divorce it can instigate enormous changes in your life and for all those in your world. Some of those are positive and liberating with a new found sense of freedom and adventure, some extremely damaging with long term consequences.
More often that not the decision to leave is multilayered and complex, it certainly was in my case, I felt like I had let my partner down even though in reality I know I did all I could to make it work.
I will be looking at healing and thriving after divorce in other posts, but for now if you have made the decision to finally let go, be super kind and gentle with yourself and reach out for support, friendship and any legal advice that may be required to take those next steps. Taking a look at How To Love Myself After A Breakup may also support you.
Handpicked Support for Your Midlife Journey:
Some of the links below may be affiliate links in the future. I only ever recommend products and resources I truly believe in.
A huge part of my healing journey was with an amazing woman and coach called Katherine Woodward Thomas, you may have heard about her “Conscious Uncoupling” programme that Gwyneth Paltrow raved about. For anyone going through a separation or divorce she will provide invaluable support and tools that will catapult you to a new found level of growth, compassion and love.
Katherine Woodward Thomas website
Conclusion: If my future self could have told me…
- Sometimes life will throw inexplicable curveballs at you that you will never see coming. Always know that life doesn’t ever give you anything that you can’t handle and it’s always working FOR YOU.
- Your happiness, wellbeing, dreams and aspirations have to take priority, above ALL else. If you are authentically doing the right thing for you then in turn it will be the right thing for others too.
- If you don’t put your own oxygen mask on first and take care of your needs, there is no possible way of truly supporting others.
- Sometimes relationships and marriages don’t work out and that’s ok. Release the guilt and shame, behave with integrity and love and move on with your life.
- Realize that we are all wired for survival and when push comes to shove people will look out for themselves, that can be financially or emotionally, have your back always.
